Singing Hamsters Torrent

5th Doctor - Cuddlesome

As the Doctor sheepishly emerges from the huge pile of shattered glass and metal, a butch-looking woman called Angela runs out of the house and eerily seems to know that the celery-wearing cricketeer is called the Doctor. Is this some ontological paradox with the Fifth Doctor encountering his own future... AGAIN? No, actually, as Angela assumes that he is the medic replying to her 999 call. It transpires that her jailbait boyfriend has fallen down the stairs. At first the Doctor assumes this is an unsubtle euphemism for domestic violence, but concludes that if this were the case Angela would be more likely to smash his skull in with the hammer she always carries rather than waste time throwing him down a stairwell. She certainly wouldn’t try to bite her boytoy on the throat and infect him with alien nastiness... well, if she DID, she’d do a better job of it. On the balance of probabilities, the Doctor is willing to bet the poison is alien in origin and Angela explained he was bitten by a Pink Vampire Hero Hamster – which, in the dark times of the 1980s, were the coolest thing on the planet: a demented mixture of Furby and answering machine that was able to personalize death threats to its owner as part of a socialist manifesto. Her boytoy claimed to have been bitten by such a novelty toy in the attic, but Angela (understandably) thought he was talking total crap. The Doctor decides to get to the bottom of this by striding into the dark, dusty, creepy attic where some hideous form of malevolence exists and generally try to come back alive. However, when he opens the hatch the prospect of such audio-unfriendly-stumbling-in-the-dark becomes irrelevant as the Pink Vampire Hero Hamster immediately runs out of the dark, dives through a window and vanishes into the twilight.

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